Courageous Conversations - how to honor the Great American Mother?

I recently graduated from the Caring Economy Advocate program.  

A key motivation to join the program in the first place was to gain skills to be able to conduct challenging conversations without creating upset or disconnect.  I want to be able to question motives and expose the real costs in a way that joins with the tide of cultural evolution and transformation - to positively and productively influence our underlying beliefs and norms to become more caring and value based.

I have been struggling to understand why it is that so many of the mothers of young children I have met in the US are reluctant to show any vulnerability, or say "no - sorry I can't / won't do that, I have my family to take care of" - lest they display any weakness or are seen to be letting the side down, or themselves down.

In the article "When last did you cooperate without asking questions?" Wendy Addison uses the theories of social heuristics and 'cultural evolution' - to explore our predisposition to cooperate.  And argues that cooperation without deliberation and without questioning motives and benefits is not necessarily a good thing as it can reinforce unethical or biased practices that carry a cost for society. It can maintain costly systems, inequality, and oppression.

The analysis Addison gives of 'social heuristics hypothesis' and whether we are cooperators or accomplices has helped me gain perspective and expose some of the dynamics that lie behind the difficult choices American women are forced to make - between caring and investing in family or pursuing a career.  I call them 'false choices' - when the penalty for not making a certain choice is very costly, there really is no choice. It is no coincidence that women significantly outnumber men living in poverty in the US (22% of women over 65 live in poverty, 16% of men). It is because they have worked as unpaid, unsupported, un-valued carers and have also been paid less for the paid work they do (women still get paid 77cents on the $1 and this wage gap is not shifting). I say "forced to make" these choices, as it is a hostile system and zero-sum game that demands such 'choices' of anyone - a system that is certainly not aligned with the quest to realize human potential.

Historically, as we know, the work of care is so gendered and so invisible that, in trying to 'be more like men' women can, unfortunately, reinforce this invisibility. What is more, in so doing, we devalue work for which women have deep wisdom, knowledge and experience of. Through cultural evolution and the transmission of memes - caring, healing, repairing, nurturing work has been modeled and passed down from woman to woman through the generations of (mostly) female caregivers.  By not acknowledging its worth we as women are unwittingly sabotaging our power base and disregarding our inheritance. And if we are not able to care - what then?  What a huge disservice to the Great American Mother.

SpeakOut, SpeakUp provide training in 'courageous conversations' for those wanting to speak out against unethical or harmful practices, or gain better skills in managing people, conducting difficult conversations whilst maintaining principles and values (rather than blindly cooperating) - using the Social Fitness Training (SFT) evidence based model from Stanford University.  They support and train whistle blowers and anti-corruption campaigners.

"Individuals are then cognitively supported to act according to their values when stress is running high and fear is creeping close." (taken from SpeakOut, SpeakUp website training page)

It looks like there is much common ground between the work of the Center for Partnership Studies and of SpeakOut SpeakUp - Wendy Addison and Riane Eisler share a similar passion to facilitate conversations that lead to positive cultural transformation in practical and courageous ways. The Social Fitness Training model could be a valuable addition to the 'caring conversation' tool box.

However, I still find it hard to strike a balance when having a 'caring conversation' with an American woman with a young family. How can I stand outside the 'business as usual / this is the way it is done' status quo and ask questions in a sensitive manner that are not construed as judgmental, or give rise to guilt or upset.

When asking an already stressed and over-burdened mother about the very difficult choices she is faced with, it can be hard to get reflective, deliberative conversation. There is so much at stake - the woman's ability to maintain her career, social standing, independence and visibility - the quality of life for herself and for her children. These things become a matter of survival in the world as we know it. Mother courage guides us all, whether we stand against the tide or go with it.

So why would a woman choose to enter the realm of invisibility and dedicate herself to care in a country whose cultural norms are so punitive towards those that do?  Even those fearless warriors fighting on the front lines for women's rights and human dignity, working to care for the most vulnerable amongst us and to invest in human capital, are more often than not unable to model a family/life work balance that gives the space and value to the work of caregiving in their own families, households and communities.

Peggy Orenstein, (Writer, Author) said in the 'Alliance for Girls' bay area conference yesterday "Women are leaning in all over the place," meaning that we are doing everything we can to be competitive and successful. But in doing so, are we moving the needle towards cooperation for mutual benefit, or are we accomplices in maintaining the status quo?

Caring Economy Campaign PRACTICUM!

Well, here I am today reflecting on the marvelous gathering of last night (April 14th, 2016)..... I did my 'practicum' as a Caring Economy Advocate-in-training (Center for Partnership Studies).

Eleven mamas showed up - all but two are in play-based childcare co-ops - here in the Women's Building in SF - there really was not enough time to go through the half of what a caring economy is about - but there is something elemental in its appeal - and there was interest in a 'part two' so I am already working on that! 

It is wonderful how much the framework Riane Eisler gives us clarifies our thinking, observations and priorities.  It is marvelously insightful and helps people to center themselves and gives perspective on experience, and I would say even provokes more self compassion.

One area I would like to dig into more is what is being done to carry this work into the world and really effect system change - this is the critical next step to actualizing whole systems change and creating a caring economy.   What can mums in SF and people like me really do here?  We can intentionally choose partnership in our families, with our friends and communities - but what else can we do?  

There was a definite sense of helplessness (and exhaustion) amongst the women present last night.  I want to add at this point that I have a theory that American women are superhuman - they never seem to rest, never say no, ALWAYS do potluck, and must have kryptonite in their marrow.  

BUT my mamas were somewhat defeated by what they see as the domination system running amok - whether it's the latest core curriculum academic drive in kindergarten or the pesticides on our food, or the sexism at work, or the lack of family support...... it is all rather overwhelming.....  There is also a strong level of disempowerment when it comes to influencing employers to have more flexible working practices - the inflexible working conditions seem deeply entrenched and normalized here.  This is an area I would like to grapple with further.

But hearts were open and bold, so I would love to find ways to bring the caring economy into our lives in a more radical way..... 

Caring Economy Campaign

windy streets and shopping carts

May 4th, 2014

"The true measure of any society can be found in how it treats its most vulnerable members"  Ghandi

The end of a beautiful blustery San Francisco day and as the sun leaves the sky the clatter of shopping carts on the sidewalk can be heard on streets across the city, particularly those emanating from the Civic Center...  This is the hour the homeless people seek their sheltered nook, doorway, quiet corner, to rest-up for the night.  A clattering bunch of gaunt worn out dirty figures, sharing a quest for some semblance of comfort, for some respite from the swirling gusts of Pacific cool air that can chill the bones.

As one eloquent vagabond said on the 'F' train as I rode it back from the Civic Center Farmer's Market on Wednesday - "The weather here is clement, everyday I need only ask myself, should I have the zipper on my coat open or closed?  I wouldn't want to try living on the streets of Chicago, where I grew up." and a passenger sitting next to him laughed and said, "Yeah! I don't miss Detroit weather either!"

The mild San Francisco weather, with an average low of 45 degrees at night and high of 66 degrees during the day, throughout the year, with low rainfall and seasons that seem to merge - albeit for the cold fog, that gets sucked in from the ocean by the blistering temperatures in the Central Valley, and sits over the city for days and weeks at a time in August - this climate is moderate, considerate to the homeless man, the barefoot amongst us.

There are so many homeless people in San Francisco and so many reasons I have heard, including the weather, as to why the city is a magnet for this wandering underclass.  The amount of services the city provides for the destitute, in comparison to other US cities, is oft cited as a main draw.  So many of these people have mental health problems, despite the many services the city offers it is overwhelmed by the sheer numbers and complex needs.  It is painful to see the most vulnerable amongst us so vulnerable.

I mostly make myself look and acknowledge these folk, they are souls in human form just like the rest of us.  But my heart hardens a bit each time, some part of my humanity is eaten away, is compromised when I ignore their plea for food or money and turn my head and walk away.

And these impoverished beings take up temporary residence on the sidewalks all round where we live, and hunker down for another night.  A reminder that we are so far from creating a compassionate, fair world.


Further thoughts and links:

To keep up with the latest on Homelessness in San Francisco, San Francisco Chronicle Reporter Kevin Fagin, and photographer Brant Ward, have been covering the scene since 2003.  (the San Francisco city budget is $167million, or $34 per homeless person per day (SF Gate, April 21 2014))

Another viewpoint in Medium - Homelessness in San Francisco - January 2014
By it's very nature, homelessness is difficult to measure.  Oftentimes it is a transitory state as people enter crisis, the more able amongst them then work their way out of it, sometimes with the support of family and friends, sometimes with the support of welfare services, sometimes both.  On average 26% of the homeless population in the United States are considered mentally ill, 13% physically disabled, 19% are victims of domestic violence, 13% veterans (US Conference of Mayors, 2008).

The National Coalition for the Homeless currently states that the "United States generates homelessness at a much higher rate than previously thought".  As well as personal crises, there are many forces at work; the ongoing effect of the subprime crisis leading to foreclosures on homes leading to evictions, the economic crisis in general has contributed to the growing homeless population (National Law Center on Homelessness and Poverty), unusual storming weather patterns - the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina in 2005 resulted in over 50,000 people made homeless (NCH Factsheet August 2007) - there are many San Francisco stories of New Orleans folk finding there way here in the hope that a long lost friend or relative would put them up.

The less able, (read complex needs - mentally ill and physically disabled, abused and a veteran) the 'hard core' remain untethered, they have moved beyond the web of human relationships that keep us all safe and sane into another post apocalyptic realm.  They have fallen through the gaps into an anti-social post-traumatic wasteland, populating our nightmares, keeping us focused on our own survival - after all we could end up like them.